Beginnings and Queerness
Beginnings are oftentimes said to be the most difficult step of any journey. There can be an overwhelming fear of failure, or a desire for a profound conclusion. Placing these values and perceptions on the beginning of something can make actually starting that something feel impossible, and scary. There is often the question of “where does this end?!”, a question of control, and fear of the unknown. It’s okay to be gentle with yourself. For many, this fear is paralytic. For you, my hope is that it is transformative.
A question that I hear often is “Am I _____ enough?”Am I passing enough? Good enough? Smart enough? Strong enough? The underlying thought I rarely see explored is “By whose standards?” Am I looking to be defined by the standards of others? Am I seeking acceptance from sources I do not already receive it from? What’s the purpose of my questioning whether or not I am enough? What does this get us?
It has often been brought to me the idea that it is unlucky to be trans. That it is unlucky, and, to be cis is desirable. I see where the mindset can live, that being cis doesn’t have the trials that being trans has. That it doesn’t have the identity dangers, or the perceived inherent threat of violence. I heard somebody say “you’re so lucky to be trans, to know yourself like that.” This idea felt sticky. Us? Lucky? How could we be lucky? How could feeling so different, and unwanted, and feared, be lucky? And I think that is a question to explore. How ARE we lucky? In some small way, we know a piece of ourselves which so many others seem blind to. If we determine the trans experience solely based on our misery and misfortune, then this question has no answer. If our experience is solely defined by that which makes us miserable, how can we see that which brings us joy?
When talking about the trans experience, there seems to be a disconnect between the micro and the macro, the individual and the collective. How can our experience be generalized when it is so intrinsically personal? Within that nature, so too is there a relationship. What’s our relationship with ourselves? How does that internal relationship extend outside of ourselves? As a social species of animals, as a spirit that calls to other spirits, how are we able to connect and create community if we are disconnected from ourselves? In creating support and community for ourselves, so too can we satisfy this need in others. How would the world be were we all to be able to give as much as we needed in return?